बुढ़िया

एक बस में बुढ़िया पास वाले बूढ़े से बोली: अंकल जी कहां जा रहे हो...?
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तो बुढा चुप बैठा रहा...!
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बुढ़िया फिर बोली: अंकल जी कहा जा रहे हो...?
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बूढ़ा से चुप नही रहा गया और बोला: बेटी तू बहुत सुन्दर है...! जवान है...! तेरे खातिर लड़का देखने जा रह हूँ...!

कार की नीलामी

एक कार की नीलामी हो रही थी।
एक लाख, दो लाख, तीन लाख..
शर्मा जी सुनकर चौंक गए और बोले- आखिर इस खटारे में ऐसा क्या है? जो सब इतने दाम लगा रहे हैं?
कारविकेरता- इसके 10 एक्सीडेंट हो चुके हैं हर बार सिर्फ पत्नी ही मरती है, पति बिल्कुल सही सलामत रहता है।

बोतल

भगत- हे भगवन! क्या आप मेरी शराब छुडवा सकते हो?
भगवन- क्यों नहीं बेटा
भगत- तो मेरी 4 बोतल चंडीगढ़ पुलिस स्टेशन में जब्त है,
वो छुडवा दो!

वरदान

पति पत्नि दोनो भागवान से वरदान पाने के लिए तपस्या कर रहे थे,
भगवान भी खुश होके आये,
बोले वरदान मागों,,
इससे पहले पत्नि कुछ बोलती पति फटाफट बोला, भगवान जी मै मेरे लिये नही सभी पतियों के लिए वरदान चाहता हू की
कम से कम एक दिन तो ऐसा हो जब पत्नि  हमारी बात सुने,
कहना माने,
स्वादिष्ट भोजन खिलाये,
चाहे जिसे निहारे,
चाहे जितना  भी दोस्तो के संग रहे,,
इससे पहले भगवान तथास्तु कहते पत्नि बोली प्रभू वो कौनसा दिन होगा ये मै तय करूगी यही मेरा वरदान है
भगवान बोले ठिक है दिन बताओ,,
पत्नि,,,, 30फरवरी ,,
भगवान,,,,, तथास्तु और अंतर ध्यान हो गये
और कूदो पत्नि से पहले,,

Punjabi बहू

Punjabi बहू :
क्या मेरी नाक मोटी हैं?

Punjabi सास :

ना मेरा बेटा

बहू: क्या मैं हाथी जैसी मोटी हूँ।

सास: ना बेटा, तुम तो बिल्कुल Barbie Doll जैसी हो।

बहु: क्या मैं काली हूँ?

सास: ना बेटा तुम तो बहूत प्यारी हो।

बहू: तब फिर सब लोग यें क्यों कहते है कि तुम अपनी सास जैसी लगती हो ?

सास: लावां जुत्ती, बांदरी जई, काली हभशण...फिट्टे मुँह...उल्लू दी पट्ठी...भूतणी दी..किद्दां बकवास करदी आ।

Reason है पगली

पति कमरे में बैठा शराब पी रहा था.
यह देखकर पत्नी गुस्से से तमतमा कर
बोली -
“आपने तो कहा था कि बिना किसी Reason
शराब को
हाथ भी नहीं लगाएंगे फिर ये सब क्या
है ?”

पति – “Reason है पगली … Reason है …
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अब देखो, दीवाली आ रही है
… बच्चो को राकेट चलाने के लिए खाली बोतल चाहिए
कि नहीं … ???

चैन

किसी ने मेरी नींद लूटी
तो किसी ने मेरा चैन लूट लिया...

नींद मिले तो आप रख लेना

पर चैन मिले तो प्लीज मुझे दे देना..
6 तोले की है...

चैलेंज

एक परीक्षा में प्रशन था, चैलेंज कैसे किया जाता है?

हमने पूरा पेज खाली छोड़ दिया और नीचे लिखा, दम है तो पास करके दिखाओ..!!

इतनी जल्दी

पति और पत्नी आगरा जा रहे थे जहाँ पर कुए में एक रुपये का सिक्का डालने से मन की मुराद पूरी हो जाती थी....

पति ने एक रुपये का सिक्का डाला....

इसके बाद पत्नी एक रुपये का सिक्का डालने गई,
मगर बैलेंस बिगड़ गया और वो कुए में जा गिरी...

पति की आँखों में आंसू  और ऊपर देखकर बोला

"इतनी जल्दी"..??

आखे भर आयी

Wife के लिये नया android फोन लिया था आज उसमे पहली बार बीवी को Whatsaap install करके दिया
और Whatsaap पर बीवी का पहिला मैसेज आया
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गेहूँ का कट्टा चक्की पे रखा है घर आते समय याद से आटा लेते आना ....
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कसम से आखे भर आयी

कौवे

गर्लफ्रेंड : आज मेरे पापा ने तुम्हें खाने पर बुलाया है।
ब्वॉयफ्रेंड​ : वाह यार.. अचानक कैसे?
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गर्लफ्रेंड : अरे वो श्राद्ध के लिए कौवे नहीं मिल रहे थे, इसलिए

एंटी वायरस

पप्पू के घर उसका विदेशी दोस्त आया और दरवाजे पर नीबू मिर्ची लटके देख चकराया और पूछा---" ये क्या है ? "
...
पप्पू---" ये एंटी वायरस है।।।।। मेड इन इंडिया...!! "

Got Rum

In Bengaluru temple, Poojari came close to me
&
asked in low voice:
"Got Rum!!?"

I replied:
"Yes, OLD MONK.."

The Poojari became very angry and slapped me....

Later I realised, he was asking my Gotra in Sanskrit..GOTRUM
"...

रानी

Wife -आप मुझे रानी क्यों बोलते हो

Husband- क्योंकि नौकरानी लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है..... 

Wife गुस्से से: तुम्हे पता है कि में तुम्हे "जान" क्यों बोलती हूँ...

Husband: नहीं.. बताओ तो जरा

Wife: "जानवर" लम्बा शब्द हो जाता है इसलिए सिर्फ "जान" बोल देती हूँ...

The art of learning

The art of learning

पत्नी - रात का खाना आज बाहर करेगें। 

पति ( प्रबंधक) - ठीक है।

पति - हमें एक साधारण रेस्तरां में जाना चाहिए?

पत्नी - नहीं, रॉयल पैलेस होटल में चलते हैं।

पति - (एक मिनट के लिए मौन) - ठीक है, 7.O बजे देखते हैं।

रास्ते में, 6.30 बजे के आसपास।

पति - एक बार, मैं अपनी बहन के साथ पानी पुरी प्रतिस्पर्धा किया था  वह 30 पानी पूरी खाई और मुझे हरा दि।

पत्नी - क्या यह इतना मुश्किल है?

पति - मुझे पानी-पुरी खाने प्रतियोगिता में परास्त करना बहुत मुश्किल है।

पत्नी - मैं आसानी से आपको हरा सकती हुँ।

पति - कृपया रहने दें। यह चाय का अापका कप नहीं है।

पत्नी - हमसे प्रतियोगिता करने चलिये।

पति - तो आप अपने आप को हारा हुआ देखना चाहते हैं?

पत्नी - चलीये देखते हैं।

वे दोनों एक पानी-पुरी स्टाल पर रोके और खाना शुरू किये।

30 पानी पूरी के बाद पति ने खाना छोड़ दिया।

पत्नी का भी पेट भर गया था, लेकिन उसने पति को हराने के लिए एक और खा लिया और चिल्लाई , "तुम हार गये।"

बिल 50 / रुपय आया  - और पत्नी वापस घर आते हुए शर्त जीतने की खुशी में खुश थी।

कहानी का नैतिक...

एक  प्रबंधक का मुख्य उद्देश्य न्यूनतम निवेश के साथ कर्मचारी को संतुष्ट करना होता है। कम  निवेश पर मजबूत वापसी सुनिश्चित!

Killer one

Killer one

News on Pak TV :
"Water & presence of Whales & Sharks found on Moon by Pakistani Satellite."

News on BBC :
"Satellite launched by Pakistan found in Arabian Sea".

महिला गैरेज

जैसे-जैसे शादी-ब्याह  नजदीक आ रहा है..
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वैसे वैसे "महिला गैरेज"
यानि के ब्यूटी पार्लर मे भीड़ जबरदस्त
बढ़ रही है ।
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अब इन्हें
कौन समझाये...
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कि लूना को कपड़ा मारने से वो पल्सर थोड़े
ही बन जाएगी..

Doctor vs engineer

A engineer was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop...
He went to him & said.. "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired and put them back"...So why do I get such a small salary? and u get huge sums....!
The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to his ear and said.... "Try the same when the engine is running."

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Continuation....
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The engineer smiled
back came close to doctors ear and said
I can pick any dead engine and make it alive . . . . . . . But can you ???

मुल्ला नसरुद्दीन

मुल्ला नसरुद्दीन और उसकी पत्नि रुकईय्या के तलाक की अर्जी पर सुनवाई से पहले जज ने मुल्ला और रुकईय्या को पूछताछ के लिए अपने कमरे में बुलवाया और पहले रुकईय्या से पूछा।

जज: "हाँ तो, आपके तलाक की जमीन क्या है....?"

रुकईय्या: "जमीन शहर के बीचों बीच एक बहुत बड़ा आलीशान बंगला है, और उसके साथ थोड़ी सी खाली जमीन है।"

जज:"नहीं...नहीं....!! मेरे कहने का मतलब है कि तलाक के लिए ग्राउंड क्या क्या है....??"

रुकईय्या:"ग्राउंड तो बंगले के साथ ही है। पर बहुत ज्यादा बड़ा नहीं है।"

जज:"आप समझ नहीं रही हैं। मैं आधार की बात कर रहा हूँ।"

रुकईय्या: "आधार तो काँक्रीट का बना हुआ है।"

जज: "अरे.....तलाक की नींव क्या है......??"

रुकईय्या:"नींव काफी गहरी है। आप चिंता ना करें।"

जज:"अरे फजलू की अम्मा आप तलाक क्यों लेना चाहती हैं.......?? "

रुकईय्या: "तलाक मैं नहीं, मेरे पति लेना चाहते हैं।"

जज (रुकईय्या के पति मुल्ला से): "आपकी अपनी पत्नी से, तलाक लेने की वजह क्या है....?? "

मुल्ला:"यही कंजरखाना जो अभी आपके साथ हुआ, मेरे साथ रोज़  रोज़ होता है।।"

USB

What do you call a bee that comes from America?

USB

No claps please!

What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?

Jaswanti

One More ☝

Why don't people clap in Afghanistan?

Because of 'Tali-ban'!

Acha ek or ☝

What will you call "Burj Khalifa" after 80 years?

Bujurg Khalifa!

Acha bas ek or ☝

How do you ask your 'Maasi' to take a dip in water?

Diplomacy!

Ye wala last ☝

How do you say "she is calling a cab" in one word?

Vocabulary!

Ye wala ek dum last☝

Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?

Umar Gul..

Bonus One

What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop.

Simple its - MOTIVATING.
      

लव मैरिज

एक शरारती बच्चा...

बच्चा: पापा, आपकी लव मैरिज है ना...

पापा: हां, पर तुम्हें कैसे पता...

बच्चा: क्योंकि आपकी
शादी की डेट और मेरी बर्थ-डे डेट में सिर्फ 5 महीने का फर्क है...
दे रेपट दे रेपट दे रेपट

बिग बाज़ार

सुबह पत्नी चाय नाश्ता पूछने आई तो मैंने कहा बना दो। फिर रुक कर पूछने लगी जी ये मोदी एक दिन मे 3 देश कैसे घूम  सकते है।

मैंने कहा:- अगर साथ में बीवी न हो तो आदमी एक दिन में
माॅस्को, काबुल और लाहौर घूमते हुए दिल्ली आ सकता है.. !! वरना बिग बाज़ार मे ही शाम हो जाती है

बस उसके बाद ना चाय आई ना नाश्ता ।

Happy Birthday भाभी जी...

एक लड़की ने आप बीती में जो कुछ बताया वो आप भी पढोगे तो हँस हँस के लोट पोट हो जाओगे....

ऑफिस से निकली थी मैं अपनी सहेली के साथ...

तो रास्ते में वडापाव की दूकान पर रुके हम...

हम दोनों ने पेट भरकर गर्मा  गर्म वडापाव खाये...

और पैदल ही घर की तरफ निकल लिए....

करीब 20 मिनट लगे घर तक पहुचने में....

घर पहुँचकर दरवाजा खटखटाया तो पति घर पर ही मिले और उन्होंने ही दरवाजा खोला....

और दरवाजे पर ही मुझे गले लगाकर बोले की एक मस्त वाला surprize है....

और दरवाजे पर ही मेरी आँखों पर पट्टी बाँध दी...

और फिर धीरे धीरे मुझे डाइनिंग टेबल के पास ले गए और कुर्सी पर बैठ दिया...

मेरी आँखों से पट्टी खोलने ही वाले थे की तभी टेलीफोन की घंटी बज गई....

और पति दूसरे कमरे में टेलीफोन सुनने चले गए और बोले के मेरे आने तक आँखों से पट्टी मत खोलना...

दूसरे कमरे में पति की फोन पर बोलने की आवाज आ रही थी....

मैंने सोचा उन्होंने कुछ खाने पीने का बनाया होगा और में वैसे भी 5-6 वडापाव खाकर आई हूँ जब तक वो आते हैं तब तक क्यों न हल्का हो लिया जाये...

और मैंने धीरे से अपना एक पैर ऊपर उठाया और

पुरर्रर्रर्रर्रर्ररर्र फट फट फट ...

बदबू ज्यादा आ रही थी तो मैंने अपने रुमाल से नाक के पास हवा की और बैठ गई...

उनकी फोन पर बात चल ही रही थी तो मैंने अपना दूसरा पैर भी धीरे से ऊपर उठाया और....

पुर्रर्रर्रर्रर्रर्रर्रर्र फ़ुस्स ...

अबकी बार पहले से भी ज्यादा बदबू आई तो मैंने फिर से रुमाल से हवा की और रुमाल पर्स में रख लिया...

दूसरे कमरे में पति के फोन रखने की आवाज आई....

उनके पास आने से पहले ही मैंने अपने बाल ठीक किये और अपने दोनों हाथ टेबल पर रखे...

और हलकी सी मुस्कान बिखेरते हुए एकदम शांत बैठ गई मानो कुछ हुआ ही न हो...

पास आकर उन्होंने पूछा के आँखों से पट्टी तो नही हटाई ना...

मैंने भी बड़े ही प्यार से बोला "नही जानू जी नही हटाई"...

और फिर उन्होंने surprize बोलते हुए धीरे धीरे से मेरी आँखों से पट्टी हटाई तो सामने क्या देखती हूँ...

उनके सारे दोस्त डाइनिंग टेबल पर अपने हाथों से नाक भींचकर बैठे थे और जोर से बोले
Happy Birthday भाभी जी...

           

महत्वपूर्ण बात

लडकी : पापा जी एक महत्वपूर्ण बात आपसे करनी है .
पिता : बोलो बेटा .....
लडकी : मैं एक लड़के से प्यार करती हूँ और वह अमेरिका में रहता है .
पिता : लेकिन बेटा तुम इससे कहाँ मिली
.
लड़की : WEBSITE पर हमारी जन पहचान हुयी ,
FACEBOOK पर हम दोनों दोस्त बने पापा
SKYPE पर उसने मुझे propose किया
और WHATSAPP पर हमने दो महीने तक प्यार किया.............
..
पिता : ओह !! Really...
तो अब TWITTER मैं शादी करलो
FLIPKART से बच्चे मंगवालो
GMAIL से recieve कर लो
और finally अगर पति पसंद नहीं आया तो ....
OLX पे बेच डालो !!!!!!!
अकेले हँसना मना है जी , दूसरों को भेज कर उन्हें भी हंसाइये और यह क्रम तब तक चलता रहना चाहिए जब तक कि यह आपके पास वापस न आ जाए .

5 किलो कम हो गया

घूम घूम कर दो घंटे शॉपिंग करने के बाद
2 औरतों ने 100 ग्राम वजन कम किया।

यह पता लगते ही दोंनों ने तय किया कि,
वो दोंनों रोज शॉपिंग करेंगीं!!
.
यह सुनते ही उनके पतियों का वजन
5 किलो कम हो गया !!!

मोटापा

सबसे ज़्यादा वफ़ादार मोटापा है ,

एक बार आ जाये तो ज़िंदगी भर साथ निभाता है..!

रेशम की डोर

पत्नी :-- ये जो तुम रोज़ फेसबुक पर रोमांटिक शायरियाँ लिखते
हो कि, ये तेरी जुल्फें है जैसे रेशम की डोर, ये
किसके लिये लिखते हो ?
पति :-- पगली तेरे लिये ही लिखता हूँ,
मेरी जानू !
.
.
पत्नी :-- तो फिर वोही रेशम की डोर
कभी दाल में आ जाती है तो इतना चिल्लाते क्यूँ
हो !

FADOO‬

‪#‎FADOO‬
"सास: कितनी बार कहा है बहू
बाहर जाओ तो बिन्दी लगाकर
जाया करो.!!
.
.
बहु: पर जीन्स पर बिन्दी कौन
लगाता है सासु माँ.....? ????
.
.
सास: तो मैंने कब कहा जीन्स पर
लगानी है, माथे पर लगा...ले
बावली

नागा साधुओं

पति पत्नी कुंभ नहाने गए।
पति गमछा लपेट कर नदी में उतरा
तो तेज धार में गमछा बह गया।
चिल्ला कर किनारे बैठी पत्नी को बताया।
पत्नी ने सलाह दी नदी में ही चलते चलते
घाट नं 5 पर पहुँच जाओ,
वहाँ से निकल आना बाहर।

पतिः क्यों वो घाट खाली पड़ा है क्या ?
पत्नीः नहीं, लेकिन आपको वहाँ कोई प्रॉब्लम नहीं होगी,
क्योकि वो नागा साधुओं के लिये रिज़र्व है

दहेज़ मांगना एक पाप है

माना कि
लडके के घरवालो का लड़की के घरवालो से दहेज़ मांगना एक पाप है।

.
पर...
.
लड़कीवालो को हमेशा
सिर्फ सरकारी नौकरी या लाखो के पैकेज वाला लड़का ही क्यों चाहिए..??
.
इसमें कौन सा पुण्य मिल रहा है। !
.
---अखिल भारतीय बारहवी अनुत्तीर्ण एवं सप्लीमेंट्री संघ

Surround Sound System?

What is the definition of Surround Sound System?

Wife in the front seat of the car and her mother in the rear seat.

GOD asked Punjabi

Prize Winning Message of the year

GOD asked Punjabi  : "Now you are old so u have to  choose either Parkinsons disease (haath kaapna) or Alzheimers (yaadaast khona) ? "

Punjabi chose Parkinsons & said : "Its better to spill half glass of Whisky..than to forget where the bottles are kept"

Nominated for Nobel prize

A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY"  with no ringtone.

Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger..

The guy was nominated for Nobel prize for "Innovation and Peace"

cabare dance

A boy goes to see a cabare dance.
His mom gets angry & asks him, Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to
see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad

I'm only a visitor here

A US tourist visited an Indian Yogi. He was astonished to see that the Yogi's home was a simple room. The only furniture was a mat and a kerosene lamp.

Tourist :"Yogi ji, where's your furniture?"

Yogi : "Where is yours?"

Tourist : "Mine? But I'm only a visitor here."

Yogi : "So am I !!"

Cellphone Etiquette

Cellphone Etiquette

After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice

"Hi Sweetheart, its Vinod, I'm on the Train"
"Yes, I know it's Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting"
"No, honey, I was not with the preety from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meet"
"No Sweetheart,
You're the only one in My life"
"Yes, I'm sure dear".

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Vinod darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Now, Vinod is in hospital and doesn't use his cell phone in Public Any Longer.

Husband forgets wife birthday

Wife (angrily) - I don't believe this...
You forgot my birthday again??

How can you do this...

Husband - how can you expect me to remember your birthday when u never look older...

Wife (clear her throat and smile)
........jaanu Sacchi
☺☺

Husband in his mind

(sahi time pe dialogue aa gya beta...warna khatam tha tu aaj)....

Angry santa

In a biology practical Exam, Examiner showed legs of bird n said:
Tell the bird's name
Santa:I dont know
Examiner: U have failed. Wats ur name?
Santa(angrily): You please see my legs, and tell my name...
Gal karda hai..

Johny johny..

Johny johny..
                Yes papa!
Government job.
                Yes papa!
Lot of tension..
                Yes papa!
Too much work..
                Yes papa!
Family life..
                 No papa!
Bp-sugar..
                High papa!
Yearly bonus..
              Joke papa!
Monthly pay..
               Low papa!
Personal life..
               Lost papa!

Weekly off!
                Ha Ha ha

Johny johny..

Johny johny..
                Yes papa!
Government job.
                Yes papa!
Lot of tension..
                Yes papa!
Too much work..
                Yes papa!
Family life..
                 No papa!
Bp-sugar..
                High papa!
Yearly bonus..
              Joke papa!
Monthly pay..
               Low papa!
Personal life..
               Lost papa!

Weekly off!
                Ha Ha ha

If "words and figures don't match

Men will be men

Banking rules-

It was five in the evening, the bank was almost closed.

All of a sudden, the Branch Manager received a phone call from a lady.

In a sweet voice she said - sir I urgently need Rs.10,000. I'll reach your bank in 10 minutes. Could you please wait for me?

Her voice was so captivating that the Branch Manager could not say no.

He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready. The cashier obeyed his boss with great reluctance .

After a while, a lady with ugliest of face a huge tummy and a very uncommon figure came to the bank, presented a cheque to the BM and asked for the money.

The BM was taken aback, as he was expecting a cute lady.

He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day.

The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM, if his intention was not to pay, why he was made to sit late.

BM -I wanted to help her. But its the Universal rule of banking that........

.

.

.

.

.

If "words and figures don't match, payment will be declined".

Johny johny..

Johny johny..
                Yes papa!
Government job.
                Yes papa!
Lot of tension..
                Yes papa!
Too much work..
                Yes papa!
Family life..
                 No papa!
Bp-sugar..
                High papa!
Yearly bonus..
              Joke papa!
Monthly pay..
               Low papa!
Personal life..
               Lost papa!

Weekly off!
                Ha Ha ha

'Agree'culture...

Every husband is a farmer by default.
.
.
.
.
His survival
solely depends on 'agree'culture...

Tu price kam kar

CEO of Audi while justifying its high cost: "We have 12 airbags, safety controls, safety censors, safety parking assistance, scafe..."

Santa: "We have Durga Ma and Babaji on the dashboard, hanuman ji on rear view mirror, Nimbu Mirch on bumper and Maa di Lal Chunni around the rear view mirror...
Don't worry about our safety...Tu price kam kar "

A small kid asked his mom

A small kid asked his mom - Mom - how do you always know how to solve my problems ,?? 
Mom replied .... well you know God makes us take an exam to be able to know and solve all your problems before we become mummy . Only when we pass the test we become Mom !!!
The kid gave a knowing smile and said - I understand... If you fail in the test you become Daddy !!

why you feel proud of being an teacher?

Someone asked an teacher,
why you feel proud of being an teacher?

He smiled and told that
" A lawyer's income increases with increase in crime and litigation.

A  doctor's income increases with increase in diseases / illness.

But an teacher's income increases with increase in knowledge, prosperity of people and
nation ...!!".

That's why we feel proud...

Terrible English by PT sir

1) There is no wind in the football..
2) I talk, he talk, why you middle talk?.
3) You rotate the ground 4 times..
4) You go and understand the tree.
5) I'll give you clap on ur cheeks..
6) Bring your parents and your mother and especially your father.
7) Close the window airforce is coming.
8) I have two daughters and both are girls..
9) Stand in a straight circle..
10) Don't stand in front of my back
11) Why Haircut not cut..?
12) Don't make noise.. principle is rotating in the corridor
13) Why are you looking at the monkey outside the window when I’m here?
14) You talking bad habit
15) Give me a red pen of any colour.
16) Can i have some snow in my cold drink?
17) Pick the paper and fall into the dustbin.
18) Both of u stand together separately.
19) Keep quiet the principal just passed away!!

Pls maintain minimum balance...

Salary day special !!!

9.00 : *beep beep*.. Msg received...
Salary credited to ur a/c

Me : Yipeeee..

9.01 : *beep beep*
Home EMI auto debited..

9.02 : *beep beep*
Car loan EMI auto debited..

9.03 : *beep beep*
Credit card bill auto debited..

9.04 : *beep beep*
Phone bill auto debited..

9.05 : *beep beep*
Electricity bill auto debited..

9.06 : *beep beep*
LIC EMI auto debited..

9.07 : *beep beep*
Medical insurance EMI debited..

9.08 : *beep beep*
Pls maintain minimum balance...!!!
.

Hearing loss

***Superb Story***

Rakesh was worried that his wife was having an hearing problem and he thought she might need a  hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do,"
said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response.."

That evening,
his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and Rakesh thought of testing the same.
He says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.?"

Then in a normal tone he asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response....

So he moves closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still No response...

Next he moves to the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets No response...

So, he walks up to the kitchen door,
about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is No response....

So he walks right up behind her,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

(You'll Love this)

"For God's sake Rakesh,
its  the FIFTH time I am telling you,
its 'AALOO PARATHA'.!"

Eat nails of her legs..

Meena had a habit of eating nails of her hand

Her parents sent her to Baba Ramdev's ashram for treatment.

Now

Meena can also eat nails of her legs..

Happy International Yoga Day..!!

MOTIVATING

What do you call a bee that comes from America?
.
.
.
.
.

USB

No claps please!

What do you call a lady who drinks only one tea in a day?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Jaswanti (Just 1 tea)!

One More ☝

Why don't people clap in Afghanistan?
.
.
.
.
.
.

Because of 'Tali-ban'!

Acha ek or ☝

What will you call "Burj Khalifa" after 80 years?

Bujurg Khalifa!

Acha bas ek or ☝

How do you ask your 'Massi' to take a dip in water?

Diplomacy!
(Dip-lo-massi)

Ye wala last ☝

How do you say "she is calling a cab" in one word?
.
.
.
.
.

.
Vocabulary!
(vo-cab-bula-ry)

Ye wala ek dum last☝

Which Pakistani cricketer does not have a date of birth?

Umar Gul..

Bonus One
What you call a fat girl waiting at the Bus Stop. Simple its - MOTIVATING.

Teacher children jokes

Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
_______________________________

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.

Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

Logic!!
_______________________________
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:         Here it is.

TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:         Maria.
_______________________________
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using the tables.
_______________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.  
(I  Love this child)
_______________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.  
_______________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
_______________________________
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?         
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.  
_______________________________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE:         I  is...

TEACHER:     No, Millie...... always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'      
_______________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had  the axe in his hand......    
_______________________________
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.  
______________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE   :         No sir, It's the same dog.    
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
___________________________
____
PASS  IT AROUND ANDh MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
Don't we just love our teachers

Minding his own business!

A little boy was in a bus
eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said,
"Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth??"

The boy replied,
"My grandfather lived for 132 years"
The man asked ,
"Was it because of eating chocolate?"

The boy replied,
No, he was always minding his own business!

Absolute Classic

Hello Teachers

A doctor and a teacher loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily and teacher used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked teacher: There is a meaning of giving rose in Love. Why are you giving apple ?
Teacher answered : Because 
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

Hello Teachers

You Are 99...

Drunk Santa was driving and hit a policeman. Policeman died.

As a good citizen Santa decided to inform police.

He calls 100 and says

"Now You Are 99...

argument between a couple

A small argument between a couple turns violent.
           
Husband says: Don’t let the animal in me come out.
Wife replies: Who’s afraid of a mouse!!!
           
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

If wife wants husband’s attention,  she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
    
If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.
           
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
    
“Miss” for first year & “Stress” for rest of the life…
           
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married? That was common sense leaving your body.
           
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Pappu: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!
Dad: What role are you playing?
Pappu: A husband!
Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!
           
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.
  
Man inside: “i am talking to my wife”
          
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
          
A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage.. She said- “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot”
          
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Position of a husband is just like a Split AC, No matter how loud he is outdoor, He is designed to remain silent indoor!
           
            -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
           
The sweetest msg -
Husband to wife : U should learn to embrace ur mistakes…..
           
She hugged him immediately. ..…

GAME OVER

Shortest rejected proposal

Boy - How many brothers do u have?

Girl - Including you 3

     
    (GAME OVER)

Very Fast...

A Japanese came to India.

He took AUTO 2 Go 2 Airport.

On d way a HONDA overtakes

Japanese said- HONDA made in JAPAN,very fast

Next TOYOTA overtakes,again He said-TOYOTA made in JAPAN...very fast

Airport came,he asked How Much?

Driver:Rs.800

Jap: Why so

Driver: METER made in INDIA, Very Fast...

KIND MANAGERS

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to mr. Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Lesson: Never trust managers... They will take u to any extreme to finish their job.

And there is nothing like KIND MANAGERS

Mosquitoes

Wife: Wht r u doing?
Husband: Killing mosquitoes?
Wife: How many did u kill?
Husband: Total 5. Two females, 3 males.
Wife: How do u know their genders?
Husband: 2 near mirror and 3 near beer

Eva Benz.

Man to very beautiful airhostess:- "What's your name?"

Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."

Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same"

Exam days

A Month before Exams, we prefer the books of
Foreign Authors

.

.

A Week before Exams, we prefer the books of
Local Authors

.

.

A day before Exam, trying to read Xerox Notes

.

.

On the day of Exam,

.

.

We become Authors.
.
.

"Bhai!
Tu bus heading dikha baki mai likh lunga."

Exam days

A Month before Exams, we prefer the books of
Foreign Authors

.

.

A Week before Exams, we prefer the books of
Local Authors

.

.

A day before Exam, trying to read Xerox Notes

.

.

On the day of Exam,

.

.

We become Authors.
.
.

"Bhai!
Tu bus heading dikha baki mai likh lunga."

गुप्ताजी की रिटायरमेंट पार्टी

एक फंक्शन चल रहा था ।
.
आयोजक ने देखा कि इन्विटेशन से ज़्यादा
लोग आये हैं ।
.
वो स्टेज पे गया और बोला:-
.
"जो जो लड़की वालों की तरफ से वो
इधर एक साइड में आ जायें"
10-15 आ गए एक तरफ .....
.
फिर उसने बोला :- जो लड़के वालों की
तरफ से है वो भी उधर आ जायें..."
10-15 लोग फिर आ गए.....
.
.
अब उसने एक डंडा ले के उन
सबको (लड़की वाले एवम् लड़के वाले को )
पीटना शुरू कर दिया ।
वो चिल्लाए :- "मार क्यों रहे हो ?"
आयोजक बोला :- "कमीनों ये गुप्ताजी की
रिटायरमेंट पार्टी है...!!"

Woman's tongue & Man's eye

~Small but very true~

Woman's tongue
&
Man's eye.

Rest Only when they die!

Feeling safe...

Aishwarya rai updates her status - feeling safe
Homeless men in bandra update their status - feeling safe
Vivek Oberoi updates his status - Feeling safe
Black buck in Rajasthan updates his status - Feeling safe.
.
.
.
.
.
Ranbir kapoor updated his status : Time to get married -feeling safe

Smart kid

Papa - ☺ Whom u like more
Muma or Papa..??

Kid - Both

Papa - No tell me 1..?

Kid - Both

Papa - If i go to America &
Your Mother go to Paris
Where will u go.?

Kid - Paris..

Papa - It Means You Like
Your Mother..?

Kid - No, Because Paris is
Beautiful than America..

Papa - If i go to Paris &
Your Mother goes to America
so Where will you go.??

Kid - America..

Papa - Why.?

Kid - Paris to Ghum Aaye
Na Papa.

Papa - Jaa bey
Maa key Chamche Jaa
School Jaa...
Happy mothers day

Self-Appraisal

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which   was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Madam, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Madam, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Madam, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy put the receiver down. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son….I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks.”

Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking
to!”

This is called "Self-Appraisal”

Give your best and the world comes to you !!

Maximum Decoration

Guess the Minimum area with Maximum Decoration..???!!
(This was asked in IAS exam!)...

Topper's Answer was:

   "A WOMAN'S FACE"...!!!

I am relocating....

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins one night when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some easy money off him (bribe) so they challenged him
"Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going"?

The man replied
(You will love the answer)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"I did not like where I was buried so I am relocating" . . . . . . . .��������

The policemen Fainted..!������

WHICH END

Very innocent question........

Son: daddy, I got punished in school today.
Dad: why?
Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying - "At the end of this scale there is an idiot"......

I just asked "WHICH END?. .."

Looking @ girls

Interesting requests by

Traffic dept:
"Donate blood, but not on Roads..."

Forest dept:
"Shoot the bird with camera not with gun..."

Petrol pump:
" No smoking" " ur life may be worthless but our petrol is costly"
An Excellent line written on a hospital board:- 
"If you still want to continue looking @ girls, even after your death ;
DONATE YOUR EYES.."

What is talent?

Rahul Gandhi is yet to start his career at 43 yrs and Sachin retired and awarded “Bharat Ratna” at 40yrs. .....that's called talent.

What is success?

In 1988 Tendulkar failed in English in 10th Std.
Now in 2014, 10th Std English 1st Lesson is about TENDULKAR. .....Thats success..

Very interesting msg to share

Funny women world

Short Facts......

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby :  "My boss said go to hell!"

        
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Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.

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Marriage is like a public toilet...

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &
Those inside are desperate to come out.

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No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood

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Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

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Whisky is a brilliant invention.

One double and you start feeling single again.         

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It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.

The slide show begins.

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Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.

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Q - You know why women love shoes?

Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..

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Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..

          
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Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle? ⛺

Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..

          
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Q - How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

          
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Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..

          
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The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same"
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

          
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There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....

          
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Wives are magicians........

They can change anything into an argument.

          
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Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!

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Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it... :-)
:-) ☺

Painful Truth

Death asked life:
Why does
everyone love you and hate me?
Life replied:
"Because I am a beautiful lie
And
You are a painful Truth"..
Good morning...!!!

Indian ladies @ Niagara Falls..

Best joke
At Niagara falls..!✔
Guide: I welcome you all to
Niagara Falls..
These are the world's largest
waterfalls & the sound intensity
of the waterfall is so high, even
20 supersonic planes passing by
can't be heard. Now I request
the indian ladies to keep quiet
so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls..!!!

These women!!!

Ø  A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

Ø A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?  Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

Ø Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

Ø A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Ø Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Ø Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will  leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

Have a laugh, laughter is the best medicine...Pass it on..�� ��

Interview for a post of a commando

Just Laugh. ...

A man was being interviewed for a post of a commando in Army!

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer instinct! So do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir....  Can my wife apply?

Belief in the Power of Prayer

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

Fear App

After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called.  "Fear"   is launched in iphone 7....
You just say..... 'Wife'..
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hide all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.

3 magical words..

Wife (after a fight) ...
Tell me those 3 magical words..
Husband: I love u
Wife : No not this

Husband : I like u
Wife : Again No not these 3 words

Husband : I miss u
Wife : Getting more angry....No no

Husband - Galti meri thi

Wife :YES