Mosquitoes

Wife: Wht r u doing?
Husband: Killing mosquitoes?
Wife: How many did u kill?
Husband: Total 5. Two females, 3 males.
Wife: How do u know their genders?
Husband: 2 near mirror and 3 near beer

Eva Benz.

Man to very beautiful airhostess:- "What's your name?"

Air hostess:- "Eva Benz.."

Man :- "Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Air hostess:- (smiling) "maintenance cost is same"

Exam days

A Month before Exams, we prefer the books of
Foreign Authors

.

.

A Week before Exams, we prefer the books of
Local Authors

.

.

A day before Exam, trying to read Xerox Notes

.

.

On the day of Exam,

.

.

We become Authors.
.
.

"Bhai!
Tu bus heading dikha baki mai likh lunga."

Exam days

A Month before Exams, we prefer the books of
Foreign Authors

.

.

A Week before Exams, we prefer the books of
Local Authors

.

.

A day before Exam, trying to read Xerox Notes

.

.

On the day of Exam,

.

.

We become Authors.
.
.

"Bhai!
Tu bus heading dikha baki mai likh lunga."

गुप्ताजी की रिटायरमेंट पार्टी

एक फंक्शन चल रहा था ।
.
आयोजक ने देखा कि इन्विटेशन से ज़्यादा
लोग आये हैं ।
.
वो स्टेज पे गया और बोला:-
.
"जो जो लड़की वालों की तरफ से वो
इधर एक साइड में आ जायें"
10-15 आ गए एक तरफ .....
.
फिर उसने बोला :- जो लड़के वालों की
तरफ से है वो भी उधर आ जायें..."
10-15 लोग फिर आ गए.....
.
.
अब उसने एक डंडा ले के उन
सबको (लड़की वाले एवम् लड़के वाले को )
पीटना शुरू कर दिया ।
वो चिल्लाए :- "मार क्यों रहे हो ?"
आयोजक बोला :- "कमीनों ये गुप्ताजी की
रिटायरमेंट पार्टी है...!!"

Woman's tongue & Man's eye

~Small but very true~

Woman's tongue
&
Man's eye.

Rest Only when they die!

Feeling safe...

Aishwarya rai updates her status - feeling safe
Homeless men in bandra update their status - feeling safe
Vivek Oberoi updates his status - Feeling safe
Black buck in Rajasthan updates his status - Feeling safe.
.
.
.
.
.
Ranbir kapoor updated his status : Time to get married -feeling safe

Smart kid

Papa - ☺ Whom u like more
Muma or Papa..??

Kid - Both

Papa - No tell me 1..?

Kid - Both

Papa - If i go to America &
Your Mother go to Paris
Where will u go.?

Kid - Paris..

Papa - It Means You Like
Your Mother..?

Kid - No, Because Paris is
Beautiful than America..

Papa - If i go to Paris &
Your Mother goes to America
so Where will you go.??

Kid - America..

Papa - Why.?

Kid - Paris to Ghum Aaye
Na Papa.

Papa - Jaa bey
Maa key Chamche Jaa
School Jaa...
Happy mothers day

Self-Appraisal

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which   was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Madam, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Madam, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Madam, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy put the receiver down. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son….I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks.”

Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking
to!”

This is called "Self-Appraisal”

Give your best and the world comes to you !!

Maximum Decoration

Guess the Minimum area with Maximum Decoration..???!!
(This was asked in IAS exam!)...

Topper's Answer was:

   "A WOMAN'S FACE"...!!!

I am relocating....

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver one of his coffins one night when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some easy money off him (bribe) so they challenged him
"Hey, what are you carrying and where are you going"?

The man replied
(You will love the answer)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"I did not like where I was buried so I am relocating" . . . . . . . .��������

The policemen Fainted..!������

WHICH END

Very innocent question........

Son: daddy, I got punished in school today.
Dad: why?
Son: My teacher pointed the scale towards me saying - "At the end of this scale there is an idiot"......

I just asked "WHICH END?. .."

Looking @ girls

Interesting requests by

Traffic dept:
"Donate blood, but not on Roads..."

Forest dept:
"Shoot the bird with camera not with gun..."

Petrol pump:
" No smoking" " ur life may be worthless but our petrol is costly"
An Excellent line written on a hospital board:- 
"If you still want to continue looking @ girls, even after your death ;
DONATE YOUR EYES.."

What is talent?

Rahul Gandhi is yet to start his career at 43 yrs and Sachin retired and awarded “Bharat Ratna” at 40yrs. .....that's called talent.

What is success?

In 1988 Tendulkar failed in English in 10th Std.
Now in 2014, 10th Std English 1st Lesson is about TENDULKAR. .....Thats success..

Very interesting msg to share

Funny women world

Short Facts......

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby :  "My boss said go to hell!"

        
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Doctor : How is ur headache ?
Patient : she's out of town.

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Marriage is like a public toilet...

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &
Those inside are desperate to come out.

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a
better model in neighborhood

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Whisky is a brilliant invention.

One double and you start feeling single again.         

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.

The slide show begins.

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
     
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - You know why women love shoes?

Ans - Because no matter how much & whatever they eat , the shoes always fit..

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - Why can't Women Drive well?
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them..

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - Why can't Women stand a day in a Jungle? ⛺

Ans - There are no Shopping Centers..

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - How to save a Dying Woman?

Ans - Tell her about a 90% Sale going on somewhere..

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day..

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same"
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Wives are magicians........

They can change anything into an argument.

          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY?
A very INTELLIGENT man replied:
Women don't have a wife!

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it... :-)
:-) ☺

Painful Truth

Death asked life:
Why does
everyone love you and hate me?
Life replied:
"Because I am a beautiful lie
And
You are a painful Truth"..
Good morning...!!!

Indian ladies @ Niagara Falls..

Best joke
At Niagara falls..!✔
Guide: I welcome you all to
Niagara Falls..
These are the world's largest
waterfalls & the sound intensity
of the waterfall is so high, even
20 supersonic planes passing by
can't be heard. Now I request
the indian ladies to keep quiet
so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls..!!!

These women!!!

Ø  A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”

Ø A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?  Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.

Ø Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

Ø A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ? After making call he asked how much to pay. Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.

Ø Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !

Ø Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will  leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

Have a laugh, laughter is the best medicine...Pass it on..�� ��

Interview for a post of a commando

Just Laugh. ...

A man was being interviewed for a post of a commando in Army!

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer instinct! So do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir....  Can my wife apply?

Belief in the Power of Prayer

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

Fear App

After massive demand from all husbands..........
A new app called.  "Fear"   is launched in iphone 7....
You just say..... 'Wife'..
and it immediately closes all websites,
hides all chats,
shuts down all games,
hide all special folders and deletes chat history!
and best above all,
it puts your wife's photograph as a wallpaper.

3 magical words..

Wife (after a fight) ...
Tell me those 3 magical words..
Husband: I love u
Wife : No not this

Husband : I like u
Wife : Again No not these 3 words

Husband : I miss u
Wife : Getting more angry....No no

Husband - Galti meri thi

Wife :YES

Johny johny..

Johny johny..
Yes papa!
Private job.
Yes papa!
Lot of tension..
Yes papa!
Too much work..
Yes papa!
Family life..
No papa!
Bp-sugar..
High papa!
Yearly bonus..
Joke papa!
Monthly pay..
Low papa!
Personal life..
Lost papa!
Weekly off!
ha! ha! ha!

Mini Heart Attack

It's like a Mini Heart Attack, wen Men don't find their Mobile in their Pocket...
&
It's almost like a Brain Hemorrhage, When they see it in Wife's hand..
   --------------------------------------------
Male criteria for life partner...
They expect their women to Look like "Miss Universe" and
Work like"Shanta Bai..."

Females' criteria for life partner.... They expect their man to earn like ...Ambani  & behave like Manmohan Singh.

Dedicated to all couples

All present

Some ladies were sitting in a park every day. One man was observing them daily as they were talking n laughing loudly.

1 day he observed every body was silent . There must be some serious issue or incidents happened .

So he went to 1 lady n ask,  Why every body is silent today?

The lady replied: 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
All are present today...

Active-Passive..

Active-Passive..

Wife: sone ki chain kab doge?

Husband: chain se sone kab dog

Life!!

College life is like Reliance!
Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein

Bachelor Life is Like Airtel!
Aisi Azadi aur Kahan

After Engagement is Like Idea!
Jo Badal de aapki Duniya

After Marrige is like Vodafone!
Where you go.. network Follows

After Kids is like BSNL!
All lines are Busy

but friendship is like LIC
Zindagi ke saath bhi
Zindagi ke baad bhi!!

Child speaks

In a Nursery School Canteen...
⛽⛽⛽
There's a basket of apples with a notice written over it :-

"Do not take more than one, God is watching"

On the other counter there's a box of chocolates,
A small child went & wrote on it.
"Take as many as U want, God is busy watching the apples"...
⛽⛽⛽
NEVER ACT SMART WITH Today's Generation..!.!

KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad...?
⛽⛽⛽
DAD : – Every time you make me unhappy , one of my hair turns white…

KID :- Now understand why grandpa’s hairs are all white…

Moral :- Don’t be over smart...

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Child : Mummy why Gandhi has no hair on his head...?
⛽ ⛽ ⛽
Mummy : Because he speak only truth...

Child : Now I understud why ladies have long hair...
⛽ ⛽ ⛽ ⛽ ⛽ ⛽ ⛽
Don't laugh alone, share with others

Optimistic teachers

'And we never write anything negative", says.....a teacher at the school. "Even if there is scope for improvement, it is put across in a positive manner"...
The Times of India, September 5
 
Dear Parent,
We are delighted to inform you that your child displays remarkable initiative. Not for him the simple-minded obedience to teachers. We refer to his admirable refusal to do homework. We have, however, humbly requested him to stoop to our level and condescend to do his homework. Your support is appreciated.
Yours anxiously,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
Your child's distaste for mundane subjects such as mathematics shows an imaginative mind. Why, he wonders, does the square of the hypotenuse have to be equal to the square of the other two sides in a right-angled triangle? It is no wonder that he has scored a splendid zero in his math exam. Unfortunately, even brilliant students have to pass exams. Could you gently break that news to him?
Yours entreatingly,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
We are pleased your child has one of the same qualities that Henry Ford, the founder of the Ford Motor Company, possessed. Like him, your son believes that history is bunk. But it may be best to disabuse him of the notion that the Mughal emperors were Amar, Akbar and Anthony.
Yours beseechingly,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
Your child submitted a blank paper for last week's science test, influenced perhaps by Albert Camus who said 'Whether the earth or the sun revolves around the other is a matter of profound indifference'. Your son shares that profound indifference, undoubtedly for philosophical reasons. But could you inform him that in order to study philosophy, he has to pass class eight first?
Yours plaintively,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
Your son has obviously read Friedrich Nietzsche's Beyond Good and Evil, which is why he was copying from the boy next to him during yesterday's test. Like Nietzsche, he believes that Supermen like him have little use for conventional notions of morality. The teacher who caught him copying is a conventional type who gave him zero.
Yours desperately,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
We are impressed by your child's knowledge of martial arts. In the past month, he has broken two legs, four arms and three noses. He also shows prudence while fighting, taking care to pick on weaker boys. For some reason, however, the fathers of the boys who were beaten up are planning to go to your home with hockey sticks.
Yours wretchedly,
Teacher
 
Dear Parent,
Your son has a talent for using colourful language. Why, just the other day he called me a 'silly ass', 'old hag' and an 'a***hole'. Please come to school so that I could tell you more such colourful terms, which you can then use on him, which will help his vocabulary.
Yours gleefully,
Teacher

Maid problem

Huge Maid problem in India....

govt banned maid under 15 yrs....

wives have banned maid above 15 yrs....

husbands banned maids above 50 yrs

42°+ temperature....

42°+ temperature....

Dear Sun,
Please go to settings>display>brightness and lower your brightness! Please its too hot to handle!

Sun replied...
I have not changed any settings.
Please go to your settings and...
1. Increase number of trees...
2. Reduce carbon emissions levels...
3. Reduce concrete jungles...
4. Increase number of lakes...

Basically, switch to human mode from auto mode...!!!

HR interview..

These are few questions asked in HR interview...  The answers are really stunning and inspiring........ Thinking out of the box...!  A must READ......

Question 1:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for a bus:

* An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

* An old friend who once saved your life.

* The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that there could only be one passenger in your car?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Question 2:

What will you do if I run away with your sister?

The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match for my sister than you sir"

Question 3:

Interviewer (to a student girl candidate)   What if one morning you woke up & found that you were pregnant.

Girl   I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.

Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she managed it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said later when asked.

Question 4:

Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate. Coffee arrived kept before the candidate, then he asked what is before you?

Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"

He got selected.

You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that coffee was kept before.

(Answer: The question was "What is before you (U   alphabet) Reply was "TEA" ( T   alphabet)

Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

Question5;

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

___

Sometimes just thinking out of the box is all it takes!

Gavaskar fainted...

Dedicated to cricket lovers here:

Sunil Gavaskar recently went on an Australia tour where he was invited for the screening of an Australian movie named "Gavaskar"

He was overjoyed, humbly accepted the invitation and went for the screening.

After sitting through the full movie, he realized it was nowhere related to Sunil Gavaskar or even to the game of Cricket!

Out of fury, he questioned the director "Are you out of your mind? Why did you name this movie Gavaskar, and made no mention of me or Cricket in the whole movie?"

The director replied - "So Mr. Gavaskar, now you know, how we Australians felt when you Indians made a movie named BORDER and there was no mention of Alan Border and cricket in it???"

Gavaskar fainted...